Here’s the first thing to know about Newsweak.com: We are not affiliated in any way with Newsweek magazine or Newsweek.com or whoever their parent company is this week. We have purposefully designed this site to avoid confusion with that other periodical and organization. We provide 100% fictional stories based on current events. Our logo, color scheme and content is entirely unlike Newsweek. Seriously, would Newsweek use “Where facts come to die” as their tag line? If you are confused about this in any way, the problem is with you, not us. If you are really confused about whether Newsweak is connected to Newsweek, it’s amazing that you can function in today’s society, with right shoes being so similar to left shoes and streets being so similar to sidewalks. In fact, it’s a miracle you managed to make your way to this page, using a computer or some other fairly complex technological device. Is your mommy helping you?
If you came to this site accidentally it’s probably because your spelling is horrible and you can’t differentiate ‘weak‘ from ‘week‘. You may be a product of a poorly run educational system but if you try to claim some confusion you are essentially admitting you can’t spell or understand subtlety. If you don’t know what ‘subtlety’ means, leave. You won’t like it here, as we use grown up words and concepts that would be lost on you. If you did a typo because English is not your native language you can be forgiven, but please try using a search engine like Google or Yahoo because they help correct your misspellings of English words.
Speaking of grown ups, this site is intended for adults. A lot of ‘adults’ barely qualify for being intended for this site because ribald humor and harsh language affect them in ways they can’t cope with. So this ‘adult’ thing can be tricky. But if you’re a youth who is mature for your age that’s cool, just don’t tell your parents. Actually, do tell them and if they tell you to stop coming here you should listen to them until you move out on your own. That’ll show ’em.
This site displays articles from other websites. We do have original stories here but this site is designed to take our stories and some of the best stories from other fake news sites and provide them to you in a central location so you don’t have to fill your bookmarks or RSS tools with a lot of links that will clutter up your browser. Isn’t that nice of us? It’s called ‘aggregation’, look it up. We’d appreciate you not telling us we are ripping off X, or are a lame version of Y. If you decide to go ahead and do that anyways it’s well within your rights. But you should know that if you do that we might publish your message and mock it without giving you a chance to explain how it’s actually possible that you’re not a pimply unimaginative virgin living at home with your parents. It’s our site, we can totally do that. If you don’t like it, go start your own site.
As far as the articles from other websites go we only use enough content to pique the interest of the reader and always provide links back to the full original articles. This is not plagiarism, it is well within Copyright laws and any assertions otherwise do not alter reality. If any sites deem any of our own stories worthy of being linked to we expect the same consideration.
We can’t believe that we actually have to mention this, but if there are any of you out there that think any of our made-up stories are in any way true stories about real people and you further think any of these stories or people are actually about you, well they’re not. Not at all. You know that episode of South Park where they have Jennifer Lopez? The one where Ben Affleck is all in love with her even though it’s obvious JLo is just Cartman’s hand done up Senor Wences-style? It’s like that. It wasn’t about Jennifer Lopez or Ben Affleck at all because that stuff never happened. If stuff never happened it can’t possibly be about you.
If you’re a real news site and you link to any of our articles as factual stories and receive shame and embarrassment because of it, you cannot hold us responsible because you can’t do proper and basic fact checking.
Comments are welcome provided you’re on point and not being a total dick. Comments are especially NOT welcome if you’re some dumbass “internet marketer” who probably paid someone real money to tell you “leaving generic comments” and “building backlinks” is the best way to improve your “PageRank Juice” and make money from home. It’s not. So now websites all over the web are littered with your nonsensical crap that messes up comment threads and makes extra work for moderators all because you think you can make an easy buck. It’s pathetic. You’re not “internet marketing”, you’re spamming and we flush and ban these comments and the IPs they originate from on a regular basis. If you are one of these jackasses then read closely: We have “nofollow” tags on all links in comments. That means your attempts to get banklinks from us would be futile even if we didn’t have automated routines to toast your idiotic posts. If you were a real marketer you’d know this and wouldn’t bother demonstrating how vastly and utterly stupid you are wasting your time doing something that doesn’t benefit you in any way whatsoever. Stop being a waste of space and learn an actual craft and be a useful human being and benefit to society instead of a bottom-feeder of society.
Finally, by visiting our website you agree you cannot sue us for anything that goes wrong with your computer, your pet, your home, your family, your mind or anything else. You paid exactly nothing to use this site and that’s what you get if all hell breaks loose which we all know happens a lot when visiting web sites. If anything bad happens because of something one of our advertisers or third party tools does, you need to take it up with them even if it happened through our site. We will in return take all necessary precautions to make sure said bad things don’t happen.