Tag Archives | The Onion

Enraged Man Fails To Destroy TV

SHREVEPORT, LA (The Onion) — Immediately after seeing his ex-wife in a commercial, Bill Schwartz flew into a destructive rage and attempted to smash his television by launching two shoes, a box of Triscuits and a telephone to no avail.

August 26, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Absentminded Professor Says Cure For Cancer ‘Around Here Somewhere’

BALTIMORE, MD (The Onion) — John’s Hopkins University Professor Humbert E. Huggins revealed today that after decades of research that he had discovered a “100% infallible cure for cancer”, and that he is reasonably certain it is somewhere in his Baltimore Maryland home.

July 24, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

FDA Official: “Just Eat A Goddamn Vegetable”

WASHINGTON, DC (The Onion) – Deputy FDA Commissioner Steve Hoyer made an announcement today urging Americans to “just eat a goddamned vegetable once in a while”.

January 19, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Ultra-Realistic Modern Warfare Game Features Awaiting Orders, Repairing Trucks

ENCINO, Calif. (The Onion) — Developers are putting the finishing touches on Modern Warfare 3, which they say will be the most true-to-life military game ever created with the majority of gameplay spent hauling equipment and filling out paperwork.

January 4, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Voice-Activated GPS System Takes ‘Top Gun’ Soundtrack Fan Into The Danger Zone

LOS ANGELES, Calif. (The Onion) — Motorist Ken Boucher’s voice-activated navigation system flew him right into the Danger Zone today when it mistakenly responded to the Top Gun soundtrack playing on his car stereo. Boucher was attempting to drive to the local Home Depot when the automated GPS put his life in jeopardy by instead following commands of singer Kenny Loggins.

December 30, 2010 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Snowy Conditions Proving Hazardous For Nation’s Idiots

NORTHEAST, U.S. (The Onion) — Latest estimates show that 18 idiots in the region have already been afflicted with frostbite after locking themselves outside in their underwear, and another 12 have been injured when they jumped off their roofs into what they thought were deep snowdrifts.

December 29, 2010 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

New Anti-Smoking Ads Warn Teens ‘It’s Gay To Smoke’

WASHINGTON, DC (The Onion) — The CDC’s new anti-smoking campaign effectively reaches teens with a simple message: if you smoke, people are going to know you’re totally crazy for butt sex.

December 19, 2010 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

4-Year-Old Gets Wasted on Rum Balls

YUMA, Az. (The Onion) — 4 year old Joey Curly became thoroughly plastered on rum balls last night, sneaking between 10 and 15 of them off the buffet table of the Sacred Heart church function.

December 15, 2010 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

The Onion Sues Tea Party for Loss of Readership

NEW YORK (Newsweak.com Exclusive) – On the eve of the U.S. 2010 midterm elections the news satire organization The Onion has initiated lawsuit proceedings on several Tea Party organizers and candidates for loss of traffic due to the over-the-top stories arising out of their campaigns.

“Election season is the time where we should be able to run the best stories that satire politicians, but with this batch of candidates running under the Tea Party banner we can’t create any articles that come close to being as bizarre as what is happening in real life.” Onion PR rep Tony Banks told Newsweak.com, “We’ve been getting emails and phone calls congratulating us on stories such as Christine O’Donnell as a witch, the Sharon Angle ‘second amendment remedies’ and the Rand Paul ‘Aqua Buddha’ thing, and we have to tell them that those are all real. All the major real news websites are getting all these really great funny stories and there’s confusion in the marketplace that is diluting our brand.”

The Onion’s legal filing also notes that polls indicate that some of the Tea Party candidates running will actually win their election bids on Tuesday. This could inspire more individuals who would previously have been considered unsuitable to run for public office to throw their hats in the ring for 2012 causing The Onion further difficulties generating story ideas during the major Presidential election season.

Banks adds, “It was bad enough when the Republican party started generating truly stranger-than-fiction stories with Sarah Palin, Joe the Plumber and Michael Steele, but this is getting out of hand. It may be spreading to celebrities too. What’s all this with Randy Quaid and ‘star whackers’? Unreal.”
November 1, 2010 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }
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