Tag Archives | science

Study: Coffee Drinkers Less Likely To Dismember Neighbors

COLUMBIA, SC (CAP News) – A new government study commissioned by the Department of Health and Human Services looked at some 5,500 Americans and found that those who drank tea or coffee on a consistent basis had less than half the chance of insanely dismembering the bodies of their neighbors after killing them in fits of uncontrollable rage. The study did not discriminate between brands of coffee.

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July 24, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Absentminded Professor Says Cure For Cancer ‘Around Here Somewhere’

BALTIMORE, MD (The Onion) — John’s Hopkins University Professor Humbert E. Huggins revealed today that after decades of research that he had discovered a “100% infallible cure for cancer”, and that he is reasonably certain it is somewhere in his Baltimore Maryland home.

July 24, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Keith Richards Breaks “RealAge” Online Test

NEW YORK (CAP News) – Hearst Communications, proprietors of the RealAge online test to determine someone’s biological age based on their health habits, reports that the realage.com systems crashed yesterday morning and were down for the better part of the day. The company blames Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards for the website’s downtime.

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January 13, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Terrified FDA Warns Something Making Bananas Black After Several Days

WASHINGTON, DC (The Onion) — The Food and Drug Administration made an emergency announcement Monday to alert all U. S. citizens that “a force or forces unknown” is turning seemingly normal bananas black, soft, and virtually inedible in as little as 72 hours.

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November 29, 2010 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Study: Americans To Tire Of Relatives Earlier This Year

MILWAUKEE, Wis. (CAP News) — Researchers at the International Living And Working Society have announced the results of their annual “Family & The Holidays” study. For the fourth year in a row, Christian Americans will get tired of their relatives before Christmas even arrives.

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November 24, 2010 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }
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