Tag Archives | research

Study: Half Of U.S. Adults Will Be Obtuse By 2030

WASHINGTON, DC (CAP News) — “It was not that long ago that it was relatively uncommon to come across an obtuse person, particularly outside of certain high-obtuseness hotspots like hockey arenas, and the South. These days it’s not unusual for entire families, and in some cases entire social groups, to be obtuse. Often morbidly obtuse.”

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August 29, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Study: Coffee Drinkers Less Likely To Dismember Neighbors

COLUMBIA, SC (CAP News) – A new government study commissioned by the Department of Health and Human Services looked at some 5,500 Americans and found that those who drank tea or coffee on a consistent basis had less than half the chance of insanely dismembering the bodies of their neighbors after killing them in fits of uncontrollable rage. The study did not discriminate between brands of coffee.

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July 24, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Terrified FDA Warns Something Making Bananas Black After Several Days

WASHINGTON, DC (The Onion) — The Food and Drug Administration made an emergency announcement Monday to alert all U. S. citizens that “a force or forces unknown” is turning seemingly normal bananas black, soft, and virtually inedible in as little as 72 hours.

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November 29, 2010 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Study: Americans To Tire Of Relatives Earlier This Year

MILWAUKEE, Wis. (CAP News) — Researchers at the International Living And Working Society have announced the results of their annual “Family & The Holidays” study. For the fourth year in a row, Christian Americans will get tired of their relatives before Christmas even arrives.

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November 24, 2010 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }
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