Tag Archives | Republicans

Cheney Memoir Reveals He’s Going To Live Full, Satisfied Life And There’s Nothing We Can Do About It

NEW YORK, NY (The Onion) — The publication this week of Dick Cheney’s memoir, In My Time, has revealed the former vice president enjoys a fulfilling life unaffected by any sense of guilt or regret and there’s absolutely nothing any of us can do about it.

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September 1, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Republicans Accuse Obama of Failure to Protect U.S. Against Hurricane Irene

WASHINGTON, DC (Newsweak.com) — Several Republican leaders accused President Obama today of not doing enough to stop Hurricane Irene.

Stumping Presidential candidate Mitt Romney said “This is a typical example of the failed Obama experiment. New York is evacuating for the first time in its history, under Obama’s failed leadership.”

Republican House Majority Leader Eric Cantor slammed the president, “First he brings the country to the brink of default, then he shows no presidential ability whatsoever in dealing with the Standard & Poor downgrade, and now he intends to just let New York be taken by storm. I have only three words: Worst. President. Ever.”

Michelle Bachmann, speaking from the campaign trail added, “This will no doubt turn out to be another example of Obama using people’s money to bail out those who do not need Government intervention. The people of New York should be using thoughtful prayer now to help them through this, and not looking to Government welfare to help them.”

August 26, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

GOP Propose Replacing Social Security with Letting People Eat Cake

WASHINGTON, DC (Borowitz Report) — Their proposal, contained in a bill called the National Cake-Eating Act of 2011, would substitute seniors’ monthly Social Security check with what they called “an easy-to-follow cake recipe.”

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July 24, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Obama: Aside From All The Weirdos And Freaks Around Here, The State Of The Union Is Strong

WASHINGTON, DC (The Onion) — Citing historical legislative accomplishments, an improving economy, and the American people’s resilience in the face of adversity, President Barack Obama declared Tuesday that the state of the union—aside from all the weirdos, freaks, and truly bizarre citizens out there who are “just really, really strange”—is strong.

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January 26, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

In New Era of Civility, GOP Says Obama Born ‘Near America’

WASHINGTON, DC (The Borowitz Report) – Ushering in what it is calling “a new era of civility in American political discourse,” the Republican leadership in Congress said today that from now on it would acknowledge that President Barack Obama was born “near America.”

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January 18, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Obama Agrees to Extend Republicans’ Custody of his Balls

WASHINGTON, DC (The Borowitz Report) – In an effort to end what he called “the bickering and rancor in Washington,” President Barack Obama agreed today to extend Republicans’ custody of his balls for an additional two years.

Read more at The Borowitz Report.

December 8, 2010 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

In Latest Compromise with GOP, Obama Agrees He is a Muslim

WASHINGTON, DC (The Borowitz Report) – In his latest effort to find common ground with Republicans in Congress, President Barack Obama said today that he was willing to agree that he is a Muslim.

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December 7, 2010 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

WikiLeaks Attempts to Expose Palin’s Thoughts, Finds Nothing

NEW YORK (Borowitz Report) — That’s the bombshell from fugitive founder Julian Assange, who said that after months of hacking former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin’s brain, WikiLeaks has come up empty.

Read more at Borowitz Report.

December 5, 2010 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Dems and GOP Compromise: Tax Cuts to Remain As-Is Permanently

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Newsweak Exclusive) — Compromise was reached today in the U.S. Senate, with Democrats and Republicans finally settling on renewing all of the original Bush tax cuts permanently, with no further tax relief added for the poor and middle class.

Despite the fact that the Democrats completely conceded their position to end the cuts, which only benefits the wealthiest U.S. citizens, the Obama administration hailed the compromise as a “…huge indication that despite our differences, Democrats and Republicans can work together towards the benefit of all Americans.”

When asked why it appears that the ‘compromise’ consists of the Republicans actually receiving everything they originally wanted and more, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) said, “We did our best to get the compromise that would serve all interests. This is the middle ground we found.” When it was pointed out that the ‘middle ground’ that was found was entirely on the opposition’s side, and so the statement he just made didn’t actually make any sense, Reid muttered something about ‘just not getting it’ and left the press conference.

Republican leaders were surprisingly low-key about what appears to be such an overwhelming victory for them. “I think we gave up too much,” said Republican Senator Lindsay Graham (R-S.C.), “I know it’s important to compromise, but I don’t think we served the people who voted for us very well today. It’s an indication that the much-trumpeted ‘bipartisanship’ that President Obama claims to want so much is just a bunch of empty rhetoric.”

A spokesperson for the progressive advocacy organization MoveOn.org, who campaigned for all the Bush tax cuts to end, stated, “You know, in a funny way much of what Senator Graham said is actually true.”

December 4, 2010 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }
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