WORCESTER, Mass. (The Onion) — Nearly a week after a statue of the Virgin Mary began shedding what appeared to be actual tears, worshippers at St. Alphonsus Catholic Church told reporters Wednesday they had lost patience with the figure’s nonstop whining and carrying on.
Pat Robertson: Snow Is God’s Way Of Punishing Americans Who Were Planning To Drive To Do Something Gay
VIRGINIA BEACH, Virginia (The Borowitz Report) – Rev. Pat Robertson sparked controversy in today’s broadcast of his 700 Club program when he claimed that God created the blizzard currently battering the Northeast “to punish Americans who were planning to drive to do something gay.”
PARTS UNKNOWN (Texas Cockroach) — Jesus of Nazareth announced yesterday that he is canceling his Facebook page due to a proliferation of “religious nuts” and the constant bombardment of his wall with “inane prayer requests for traffic lights to turn green, little league soccer games to be won, five o’clock to get here or so-and-so not to be present at the fitness club”.
SAUDI ARABIA (The Onion) – In what theological and meteorological authorities are calling “a wrathful display of Old Testament proportions”, the Lord Almighty re-flooded the Middle East today after peace initiatives were rejected.
Source: The Onion.
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