Tag Archives | NFL

NFL To Fine Fans For Excessive Celebrations

NEW YORK, NY (The Onion) — In a controversial decision to crack down on gaudy displays of jubilation, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced plans Wednesday to fine fans thousands of dollars for celebrating excessively in the stands.

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September 7, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

NFL To Replace Coin Toss With Rock, Paper, Scissors

NEW YORK, NY (CAP News) – “We’ve known for a long time that flipping a coin in the air was an absurd way to determine who gets the ball in a sport where they spend the remaining 60 minutes giving each other brain injuries,” said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. “We think this new rule removes the element of chance and restores football to a 100% game of skill.”

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September 1, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Cincinnati Bengals Disappointed to Learn that Keeping Score Still Exists Under the New CBA

Cincinnati, OH (Sports Pickle) — “There still are scoreboards and they will still be turned on and used during games,” said head coach Marvin Lewis. “It’s obviously not what any of us wanted. And the league also still plans to record wins and losses and publish the standings in newspapers. It’s a tough pill to swallow.”

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August 26, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Patriots Heading To Super Bowl “Just In Case”

FOXBORO, Mass. (CAP News) – Despite having been eliminated from the NFL playoffs at the hands of the New York Jets, the New England Patriots continue to practice on a daily basis and are planning to head to Dallas for Super Bowl XLV. Sources close to the team tell CAP News the players fully understand the tough road that lays ahead of them.

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January 26, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Panthers Lauded For Fielding Special Needs Players

CHARLOTTE, NC (CAP News) – With the NFL playoffs in full swing and heavily focused on who is the most elite team in the league come words of appreciation from the commissioner’s office for the effort put forth by the 2-14 Carolina Panthers. This year the Panthers became the first team to field a regular squad consisting entirely of special needs players.

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January 13, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Dogs Express Interest in Owning Michael Vick

VIRGINIA BEACH, Va. (Sports Pickle) — “I would love to get Michael Vick in the future,” a Virginia Beach, Virginia pit bull told a local dog newspaper. “I think it would be a big step for me in the rehabilitation process.”

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December 19, 2010 · Read full story · Comments { 1 }

Report: Best NFL Team Will Not Be Determined Until February 6th

NEW YORK, NY (Sports Pickle) — Despite constant debate on sports radio, television, message boards and in sports bars and around water coolers nationwide, the NFL has announced today that the best football team of the season will not be determined until February 6, 2011, at the conclusion of a game dubbed the Super Bowl.

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December 8, 2010 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Chiefs Accidentally Win Again

SEATTLE, Wash. (The Onion) — In yet another victorious slip-up that baffled players, coaches, and fans alike, the Kansas City Chiefs accidentally defeated the Seahawks 42-24 Sunday, inadvertently outplaying their opponent by scoring more touchdowns.

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December 5, 2010 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Report: Michael Vick Getting Confident Enough To Do Something Terrible Again

PHILADELPHIA (The Onion) — Eagles quarterback Michael Vick, who on Wednesday added an NFC Player of the Week award to the Player of the Month honors he received in September, has regained his former confidence to the point that he will soon be ready to commit a horrifying act, sources close to Vick said Friday.

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November 13, 2010 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }
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