Tag Archives | news

“Indiana Jones Not Accurate”, Say Archaeological Society

WASHINGTON, DC (The Spoof) — “Ninety nine point nine nine nine nine nine percent of our work involves crawling on your hands and knees with a toothbrush and spoon digging holes, looking for what is essentially a tiny bit of buried evidence, useless on its own, and filling in forms, reports and giving lectures on said trinkets when they are found.”

Read more at The Spoof

August 31, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Computer Programmer’s Shame On Confessing To Never Having Seen ‘The Matrix’

PARTS UKNOWN (NewsBiscuit) — The IT world was plunged into bitter recrimination last night after computer programmer James Renfield finally admitted that despite working in the industry for many years, he had actually never watched ‘The Matrix’ movie.

Read more at NewsBiscuit

August 31, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Downtown Tripoli Drag Scene Welcomes Highly Unconvincing Newcomer

TRIPOLI, Libya (NewsBiscuit) — Supporters loyal to fugitive Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi have insisted that it is a ‘complete coincidence’ that in the days since his disappearance there have been a number of sightings of a rather unkempt new drag performer in the nightclubs of downtown Tripoli.

Read more at NewsBiscuit

August 31, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Bill Watterson Writes, Illustrates, Shreds New ‘Calvin And Hobbes’ Strip Each Morning Out Of Spite

CHAGRIN FALLS, OH (The Onion) — “Wow, this might be one of the best yet,” Watterson said as he completed his 5,689th strip of the past 16 years. and then immediately fed it into a paper shredder.

Read more at The Onion

August 29, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Chicago Baby Born Ready

CHICAGO, IL. (The Chicago Dope) — According to doctors at Prentice Women’s Hospital in Chicago, little Trevor Gould was born with a strange case of perpetual preparedness, a condition that will likely keep him on the ball for the remainder of his life.

Read more at The Chicago Dope

August 29, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Study: Half Of U.S. Adults Will Be Obtuse By 2030

WASHINGTON, DC (CAP News) — “It was not that long ago that it was relatively uncommon to come across an obtuse person, particularly outside of certain high-obtuseness hotspots like hockey arenas, and the South. These days it’s not unusual for entire families, and in some cases entire social groups, to be obtuse. Often morbidly obtuse.”

Read more at CAP News

August 29, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Disappointed New York Hurricane Survivors Relunctantly Return To Work On Monday

NEW YORK, NY (Newsweak.com Exclusive) – Many New Yorkers looking forward to being able to ditch work, using fake reasons related to Hurricane Irene, will now relunctantly have to return to their jobs on Monday.

“Oh man, my friends and I had this huge party planned on Sunday night. Now I have to set the frikken alarm to go to work in the morning.” said dejected twentysomething Manhattan resident Ted Cooper.

New York underwent an evacuation order starting Friday, an alert that was cancelled Sunday after it was apparent that New York would not be subject to damaging high winds and rain. Transit services that were shut down in preparation for Hurricane Irene’s arrival will mostly be in service on Monday. Aside from some minor street flooding New York city was spared any hurricane damage, or reasons for residents to miss work.

Even some chronically unemployed New Yorkers were affected. “It sucks.” said Josh Arnell, speaking from his Brooklyn apartment, “Me and my roommate bought a whole bunch of candles and a keg and were going to stay up all night and get so wasted with some buddies. Now it’s been called off because they have to go to work tomorrow. I don’t even have a job I can blow off. I feel totally gypped.”

August 28, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Steve Jobs Resigns After Realizing Technology Has Gone As Far As It Can


Steve Jobs Resigns After Realizing Technology Has Gone As Far As It Can

August 26, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Internet Outages from Hurricane Could Force People to Interact with Other People, Officials Warn

WASHINGTON, DC (The Borowitz Report) — News of the possible interpersonal interactions created panic up and down the coast as residents braced themselves for the horror of awkward silences and unwanted eye contact.

Read more at the Borowitz Report

August 26, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Republicans Accuse Obama of Failure to Protect U.S. Against Hurricane Irene

WASHINGTON, DC (Newsweak.com) — Several Republican leaders accused President Obama today of not doing enough to stop Hurricane Irene.

Stumping Presidential candidate Mitt Romney said “This is a typical example of the failed Obama experiment. New York is evacuating for the first time in its history, under Obama’s failed leadership.”

Republican House Majority Leader Eric Cantor slammed the president, “First he brings the country to the brink of default, then he shows no presidential ability whatsoever in dealing with the Standard & Poor downgrade, and now he intends to just let New York be taken by storm. I have only three words: Worst. President. Ever.”

Michelle Bachmann, speaking from the campaign trail added, “This will no doubt turn out to be another example of Obama using people’s money to bail out those who do not need Government intervention. The people of New York should be using thoughtful prayer now to help them through this, and not looking to Government welfare to help them.”

August 26, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }
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