WORCESTER, Mass. (The Onion) — Nearly a week after a statue of the Virgin Mary began shedding what appeared to be actual tears, worshippers at St. Alphonsus Catholic Church told reporters Wednesday they had lost patience with the figure’s nonstop whining and carrying on.
BENTONVILLE, Ark. (Glossy News) — In a sweeping move today Walmart has bought the entire rights to Christmas and all its accessories. With the exception of manger scenes, Walmart will be removing all of the religious aspects of the holiday as they have always proven to be poor sellers compared with action figures, cheap plastic toys and Barbie dolls.
PARTS UNKNOWN (Texas Cockroach) — Jesus of Nazareth announced yesterday that he is canceling his Facebook page due to a proliferation of “religious nuts” and the constant bombardment of his wall with “inane prayer requests for traffic lights to turn green, little league soccer games to be won, five o’clock to get here or so-and-so not to be present at the fitness club”.
STROUDSBURG, PA (The Onion) — An oil portrait of Jesus Christ bearing what turned out to be a rare autograph of the Son of God was purchased for $65 at an estate sale last weekend, religious relic experts said Tuesday.
Read more at The Onion.
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