Tag Archives | Hurricane Irene

Disappointed New York Hurricane Survivors Relunctantly Return To Work On Monday

NEW YORK, NY (Newsweak.com Exclusive) – Many New Yorkers looking forward to being able to ditch work, using fake reasons related to Hurricane Irene, will now relunctantly have to return to their jobs on Monday.

“Oh man, my friends and I had this huge party planned on Sunday night. Now I have to set the frikken alarm to go to work in the morning.” said dejected twentysomething Manhattan resident Ted Cooper.

New York underwent an evacuation order starting Friday, an alert that was cancelled Sunday after it was apparent that New York would not be subject to damaging high winds and rain. Transit services that were shut down in preparation for Hurricane Irene’s arrival will mostly be in service on Monday. Aside from some minor street flooding New York city was spared any hurricane damage, or reasons for residents to miss work.

Even some chronically unemployed New Yorkers were affected. “It sucks.” said Josh Arnell, speaking from his Brooklyn apartment, “Me and my roommate bought a whole bunch of candles and a keg and were going to stay up all night and get so wasted with some buddies. Now it’s been called off because they have to go to work tomorrow. I don’t even have a job I can blow off. I feel totally gypped.”

August 28, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Internet Outages from Hurricane Could Force People to Interact with Other People, Officials Warn

WASHINGTON, DC (The Borowitz Report) — News of the possible interpersonal interactions created panic up and down the coast as residents braced themselves for the horror of awkward silences and unwanted eye contact.

Read more at the Borowitz Report

August 26, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Republicans Accuse Obama of Failure to Protect U.S. Against Hurricane Irene

WASHINGTON, DC (Newsweak.com) — Several Republican leaders accused President Obama today of not doing enough to stop Hurricane Irene.

Stumping Presidential candidate Mitt Romney said “This is a typical example of the failed Obama experiment. New York is evacuating for the first time in its history, under Obama’s failed leadership.”

Republican House Majority Leader Eric Cantor slammed the president, “First he brings the country to the brink of default, then he shows no presidential ability whatsoever in dealing with the Standard & Poor downgrade, and now he intends to just let New York be taken by storm. I have only three words: Worst. President. Ever.”

Michelle Bachmann, speaking from the campaign trail added, “This will no doubt turn out to be another example of Obama using people’s money to bail out those who do not need Government intervention. The people of New York should be using thoughtful prayer now to help them through this, and not looking to Government welfare to help them.”

August 26, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }
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