The best of Fake News
WASHINGTON, DC (The Onion) — ”If we can’t get job legislation passed, the least we can do is provide these citizens with something to do during the workday,” Labor Secretary Hilda Solis said of the new federally recommended hobbies, which include Tuesday morning board game leagues, vintage computer-monitor collecting, and finding quick ways to streamline your cell phone contacts.
Read more at The Onion
WASHINGTON, DC (The Onion) – Deputy FDA Commissioner Steve Hoyer made an announcement today urging Americans to “just eat a goddamned vegetable once in a while”.
WASHINGTON, DC (The Borowitz Report) – Ushering in what it is calling “a new era of civility in American political discourse,” the Republican leadership in Congress said today that from now on it would acknowledge that President Barack Obama was born “near America.”
WASHINGTON, DC (Glossy News) — The 111th Congress of what is supposedly the richest and most powerful country in the world, the United States of America, has declared bankruptcy.
HONOLULU, Ha. (Newsweak.com Exclusive) — Political observers were stunned today when, in the middle of the firestorm over the tax cut compromise, President Barack Obama cancelled all scheduled appointments, flew back to his birthplace of Hawaii on Air Force One, chartered a boat on Hanauma Bay, and proceeded to jump over a shark in a confinement pen on waterskis.
“I’m not sure what he was thinking,” One of Obama’s insiders said, on condition of anonymity. “I know that his popularity has taken a beating over the past couple of days, but to pull a stunt like this seems a little desperate.”
WASHINGTON, DC (The Borowitz Report) – In his latest effort to find common ground with Republicans in Congress, President Barack Obama said today that he was willing to agree that he is a Muslim.
Read more at Borowitz Report.
WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – In a historic sign that Washington finally understands what the American people want, Congress today voted to go fuck itself.
Read more at SatireWire.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – In the first major policy fallout from the WikiLeaks disclosures, the State Department has ordered all U.S. diplomats to “cease and desist telling the truth until further notice.”
Read more at The Borowitz Report.
UNDISCLOSED LOCATION (Random Perspective) — The United States of America has been forced to assume a new identity and relocate following the leaking of highly sensitive documentation to the world’s press that potentially endanger the safety of the nation. While the details of the move have been kept highly secretive the public first came aware of the relocation when Canada awoke late Sunday evening to notice it had a new coastline.
Read more at Random Perspective.
WASHINGTON, DC (The Onion) — The Food and Drug Administration made an emergency announcement Monday to alert all U. S. citizens that “a force or forces unknown” is turning seemingly normal bananas black, soft, and virtually inedible in as little as 72 hours.
Read more at The Onion.
