Tag Archives | Featured

Study: Coffee Drinkers Less Likely To Dismember Neighbors

COLUMBIA, SC (CAP News) – A new government study commissioned by the Department of Health and Human Services looked at some 5,500 Americans and found that those who drank tea or coffee on a consistent basis had less than half the chance of insanely dismembering the bodies of their neighbors after killing them in fits of uncontrollable rage. The study did not discriminate between brands of coffee.

Read more at CAP News

July 24, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Absentminded Professor Says Cure For Cancer ‘Around Here Somewhere’

BALTIMORE, MD (The Onion) — John’s Hopkins University Professor Humbert E. Huggins revealed today that after decades of research that he had discovered a “100% infallible cure for cancer”, and that he is reasonably certain it is somewhere in his Baltimore Maryland home.

July 24, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Murdochs Vow to Launch Full Investigation to Find Out Who is Running Company They Are in Charge Of

LONDON, UK (The Borowitz Report) – Speaking before a British parliamentary inquiry today, media titans Rupert and James Murdoch vowed to launch “a complete and full” investigation to determine who is running the company they are in charge of.

Read more at The Borowitz Report

July 24, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Murdoch Scandal Proves Existence Of Newspapers

LONDON, UK (CAP News) — The phone-hacking scandal that brought down media mogul Rupert Murdoch’s News Of The World newspaper has shocked millions who had no idea that newspapers were still being published.

Read more at CAP News

July 24, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Recently Discovered ‘Never Seen Before’ Photographs Of The Beatles A Lot Like Ones Seen Before, Says Expert

Washington, DC (The Voice of Reason) — A collection of new photographs of the Beatles from their tour of Washington DC in 1964 have been discovered, but their contents has been greeted with widespread disappointment amongst collectors who say that the photographs look pretty much like ones that have been kicking about for years.

Read more at The Voice of Reason

July 24, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Florida Residents Brace For Fifth Straight Day Of Sun

MIAMI, Fla. (CAP News) – Area meteorologists are warning sun-weary residents to prepare for yet another day of sunshine and 80-degree temperatures in a winter that has already seen record-breaking good weather.

Read more at CAP News

February 9, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

In Sign He Is Still In Charge, State-run Media Names Mubarak ‘Sexiest Man Alive’

CAIRO, Egypt (The Borowitz Report) – In what Middle Eastern experts take as a sign that he is still very much in charge, today Egyptian state-run media declared President Hosni Mubarak “Sexiest Man Alive.”

Read more at The Borowitz Report

February 9, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Obama: Aside From All The Weirdos And Freaks Around Here, The State Of The Union Is Strong

WASHINGTON, DC (The Onion) — Citing historical legislative accomplishments, an improving economy, and the American people’s resilience in the face of adversity, President Barack Obama declared Tuesday that the state of the union—aside from all the weirdos, freaks, and truly bizarre citizens out there who are “just really, really strange”—is strong.

Read more at The Onion

January 26, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Patriots Heading To Super Bowl “Just In Case”

FOXBORO, Mass. (CAP News) – Despite having been eliminated from the NFL playoffs at the hands of the New York Jets, the New England Patriots continue to practice on a daily basis and are planning to head to Dallas for Super Bowl XLV. Sources close to the team tell CAP News the players fully understand the tough road that lays ahead of them.

Read more at CAP News

January 26, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

FDA Official: “Just Eat A Goddamn Vegetable”

WASHINGTON, DC (The Onion) – Deputy FDA Commissioner Steve Hoyer made an announcement today urging Americans to “just eat a goddamned vegetable once in a while”.

January 19, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }
css.php
This site is in no way associated with Newsweek or Newsweek.com or any of its affiliated properties.