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“He Tried To Bite Me” – Teenage Girl’s Horror As Date With Vampire Goes Wrong

ALABAMA, U.S. (The Spoof) — “I thought he would write poetry and say really deep things” she sobbed “but he wasn’t like that at all. Then he got all fangy and tried to bite me in the neck. It wasn’t romantic at all.”

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September 7, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Cheney Memoir Reveals He’s Going To Live Full, Satisfied Life And There’s Nothing We Can Do About It

NEW YORK, NY (The Onion) — The publication this week of Dick Cheney’s memoir, In My Time, has revealed the former vice president enjoys a fulfilling life unaffected by any sense of guilt or regret and there’s absolutely nothing any of us can do about it.

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September 1, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

“Indiana Jones Not Accurate”, Say Archaeological Society

WASHINGTON, DC (The Spoof) — “Ninety nine point nine nine nine nine nine percent of our work involves crawling on your hands and knees with a toothbrush and spoon digging holes, looking for what is essentially a tiny bit of buried evidence, useless on its own, and filling in forms, reports and giving lectures on said trinkets when they are found.”

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August 31, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Disappointed New York Hurricane Survivors Relunctantly Return To Work On Monday

NEW YORK, NY (Newsweak.com Exclusive) – Many New Yorkers looking forward to being able to ditch work, using fake reasons related to Hurricane Irene, will now relunctantly have to return to their jobs on Monday.

“Oh man, my friends and I had this huge party planned on Sunday night. Now I have to set the frikken alarm to go to work in the morning.” said dejected twentysomething Manhattan resident Ted Cooper.

New York underwent an evacuation order starting Friday, an alert that was cancelled Sunday after it was apparent that New York would not be subject to damaging high winds and rain. Transit services that were shut down in preparation for Hurricane Irene’s arrival will mostly be in service on Monday. Aside from some minor street flooding New York city was spared any hurricane damage, or reasons for residents to miss work.

Even some chronically unemployed New Yorkers were affected. “It sucks.” said Josh Arnell, speaking from his Brooklyn apartment, “Me and my roommate bought a whole bunch of candles and a keg and were going to stay up all night and get so wasted with some buddies. Now it’s been called off because they have to go to work tomorrow. I don’t even have a job I can blow off. I feel totally gypped.”

August 28, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Republicans Accuse Obama of Failure to Protect U.S. Against Hurricane Irene

WASHINGTON, DC (Newsweak.com) — Several Republican leaders accused President Obama today of not doing enough to stop Hurricane Irene.

Stumping Presidential candidate Mitt Romney said “This is a typical example of the failed Obama experiment. New York is evacuating for the first time in its history, under Obama’s failed leadership.”

Republican House Majority Leader Eric Cantor slammed the president, “First he brings the country to the brink of default, then he shows no presidential ability whatsoever in dealing with the Standard & Poor downgrade, and now he intends to just let New York be taken by storm. I have only three words: Worst. President. Ever.”

Michelle Bachmann, speaking from the campaign trail added, “This will no doubt turn out to be another example of Obama using people’s money to bail out those who do not need Government intervention. The people of New York should be using thoughtful prayer now to help them through this, and not looking to Government welfare to help them.”

August 26, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Britain Decides Not to Boycott Every Last Detail of Amy Winehouse Death

LONDON, UK (The Daily Mash) — Britain’s disgust with tabloid journalism was suspended yesterday in honour of Amy Winehouse. Newsagents across the country reported sad-faced customers picking up copies of tabloid newspapers and shaking their heads mournfully as they handed over the money.

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July 25, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Obama, Boehner Come to Agreement That Cantor is Douche

WASHINGTON, DC (The Borowitz Report) – In what members of both parties are hailing as an important first step on the road to a deal on raising the debt ceiling, President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner today came to an agreement that Rep. Eric Cantor (R-VA) is a douche.

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July 24, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

GOP Propose Replacing Social Security with Letting People Eat Cake

WASHINGTON, DC (Borowitz Report) — Their proposal, contained in a bill called the National Cake-Eating Act of 2011, would substitute seniors’ monthly Social Security check with what they called “an easy-to-follow cake recipe.”

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July 24, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Oh go on, just resign, Guardian tells Cameron

LONDON,UK (The Daily Mash) — As the phone scandal thing was declared boring again, Guardian editor Alan Rusbridger said many of his journalists had been working up to six hours a day and the prime minister’s refusal to stand down was now actually quite rude.

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July 24, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Labor Dept. Creates 20,000 New Hobbies For Nation’s Jobless

WASHINGTON, DC (The Onion) — “If we can’t get job legislation passed, the least we can do is provide these citizens with something to do during the workday,” Labor Secretary Hilda Solis said of the new federally recommended hobbies, which include Tuesday morning board game leagues, vintage computer-monitor collecting, and finding quick ways to streamline your cell phone contacts.

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July 24, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }
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