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Disappointed New York Hurricane Survivors Relunctantly Return To Work On Monday

NEW YORK, NY (Newsweak.com Exclusive) – Many New Yorkers looking forward to being able to ditch work, using fake reasons related to Hurricane Irene, will now relunctantly have to return to their jobs on Monday.

“Oh man, my friends and I had this huge party planned on Sunday night. Now I have to set the frikken alarm to go to work in the morning.” said dejected twentysomething Manhattan resident Ted Cooper.

New York underwent an evacuation order starting Friday, an alert that was cancelled Sunday after it was apparent that New York would not be subject to damaging high winds and rain. Transit services that were shut down in preparation for Hurricane Irene’s arrival will mostly be in service on Monday. Aside from some minor street flooding New York city was spared any hurricane damage, or reasons for residents to miss work.

Even some chronically unemployed New Yorkers were affected. “It sucks.” said Josh Arnell, speaking from his Brooklyn apartment, “Me and my roommate bought a whole bunch of candles and a keg and were going to stay up all night and get so wasted with some buddies. Now it’s been called off because they have to go to work tomorrow. I don’t even have a job I can blow off. I feel totally gypped.”

August 28, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Republicans Accuse Obama of Failure to Protect U.S. Against Hurricane Irene

WASHINGTON, DC (Newsweak.com) — Several Republican leaders accused President Obama today of not doing enough to stop Hurricane Irene.

Stumping Presidential candidate Mitt Romney said “This is a typical example of the failed Obama experiment. New York is evacuating for the first time in its history, under Obama’s failed leadership.”

Republican House Majority Leader Eric Cantor slammed the president, “First he brings the country to the brink of default, then he shows no presidential ability whatsoever in dealing with the Standard & Poor downgrade, and now he intends to just let New York be taken by storm. I have only three words: Worst. President. Ever.”

Michelle Bachmann, speaking from the campaign trail added, “This will no doubt turn out to be another example of Obama using people’s money to bail out those who do not need Government intervention. The people of New York should be using thoughtful prayer now to help them through this, and not looking to Government welfare to help them.”

August 26, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Obama Jumps Shark

HONOLULU, Ha. (Newsweak.com Exclusive) — Political observers were stunned today when, in the middle of the firestorm over the tax cut compromise, President Barack Obama cancelled all scheduled appointments, flew back to his birthplace of Hawaii on Air Force One, chartered a boat on Hanauma Bay, and proceeded to jump over a shark in a confinement pen on waterskis.

“I’m not sure what he was thinking,” One of Obama’s insiders said, on condition of anonymity. “I know that his popularity has taken a beating over the past couple of days, but to pull a stunt like this seems a little desperate.”

December 8, 2010 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Beethoven Gets Picture on Bubblegum Card

NEW YORK (Newsweak.com Exclusive) — 183 years after his death, famed German composer and pianist Ludwig van Beethoven finally has his picture on a bubblegum card, garnering the respect of Lucy van Pelt of Minneapolis, Minn.

Ms. van Pelt has been unimpressed by Mr. Beethoven since 1965.

December 7, 2010 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Dems and GOP Compromise: Tax Cuts to Remain As-Is Permanently

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Newsweak Exclusive) — Compromise was reached today in the U.S. Senate, with Democrats and Republicans finally settling on renewing all of the original Bush tax cuts permanently, with no further tax relief added for the poor and middle class.

Despite the fact that the Democrats completely conceded their position to end the cuts, which only benefits the wealthiest U.S. citizens, the Obama administration hailed the compromise as a “…huge indication that despite our differences, Democrats and Republicans can work together towards the benefit of all Americans.”

When asked why it appears that the ‘compromise’ consists of the Republicans actually receiving everything they originally wanted and more, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) said, “We did our best to get the compromise that would serve all interests. This is the middle ground we found.” When it was pointed out that the ‘middle ground’ that was found was entirely on the opposition’s side, and so the statement he just made didn’t actually make any sense, Reid muttered something about ‘just not getting it’ and left the press conference.

Republican leaders were surprisingly low-key about what appears to be such an overwhelming victory for them. “I think we gave up too much,” said Republican Senator Lindsay Graham (R-S.C.), “I know it’s important to compromise, but I don’t think we served the people who voted for us very well today. It’s an indication that the much-trumpeted ‘bipartisanship’ that President Obama claims to want so much is just a bunch of empty rhetoric.”

A spokesperson for the progressive advocacy organization MoveOn.org, who campaigned for all the Bush tax cuts to end, stated, “You know, in a funny way much of what Senator Graham said is actually true.”

December 4, 2010 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

TSA Hires Proctologists to Conduct Airport Security Frisks

WASHINGTON, DC (Newsweak.com Exclusive) — The Transportation Security Administration announced today that it has temporarily hired 8,000 colorectal surgeons to assist security personnel just in time for the busy Thankgiving holiday air travel period. The doctors will help conduct security screenings above and beyond the “pat down” searches of passengers who decline to undergo the full-body scans.

Janet Napolitano, the U.S. Secretary of Homeland Security, made the announcement: “We have heard the concerns of airline passengers and we have taken action. People want security but many do not want the pat downs by the TSA personnel. Now they will be able to refuse not only the full-body scan but the pat-down as well. These passengers will receive a Comprehensive Overall Professional Probe, or COPP. These COPPs will be conducted by the proctological doctors in a discreet, professional manner.”

The TSA announced this also coincides with their new campaign for Colon Cancer Awareness Month and invites those not planning to use air travel this season to visit their local airport anyways and volunteer to be COPPed.

November 24, 2010 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Doc Brown: “The Time Continuum Has Been Altered”

Hill Valley, Calif. (Newsweak.com Exclusive) — In a shocking revelation, renowned inventor and time traveler Dr. Emmett L. (Doc) Brown claims there has been a serious disruption of the time continuum creating a temporal event sequence resulting in an alternate reality. Brown claims that it appears that the fateful 2000 Supreme Court case Bush v. Gore, where the Court effectively resolved the Presidential election in favor of George W. Bush, is where the time line was skewed.

In an exclusive interview with Newsweak.com, Brown claims that the evidence can be seen in that we are four years away from the year 2015 and most of the technology shown in the 1989 time travel documentary Back to the Future Part II is nowhere on the horizon.

“Where are the flying cars?” Brown asked. “There are no flying cars because the U.S. did not foster the green technology research required to enable the invention of Mr. Fusion. Without Mr. Fusion there can be no flying cars.” Brown asserts that this also ultimately helped the decline of the automobile industry in America that saw General Motors eventually go bankrupt.

Brown further states that rejuvenation clinics, where individuals can receive all-natural life extension overhauls, are perhaps another decade away from being available due to the suppression of stem cell research during the Bush years. “These places are wonderful. I visited one in my original visit to the year 2015. They added a good 30 to 40 years to my life”.

“It wasn’t supposed to happen this way.” Brown states. “In the original timeline it was Al Gore that became President of the United States. It was eight years of amazing technological advancements. Instead of science enduring years of suppression and questioning from creationists and other religious fundamentalists, it was fostered and bloomed. The American public were so happy with our progress. Almost every kid had a shiny new Hover Board. President Gore had an unprecedented 88% approval rating. He was so popular that he managed to sponsor the bill in Congress that led to the abolishment of all lawyers. Unbelievable.”

Although there are many technological advances missing from what is seen in Back to the Future Part II, Brown admits there are some technologies that are on track, such as:

  • Power Laces – This year Nike patented the technology for power shoe laces for athletic footwear.
  • Video games without controllers – With Microsoft’s release of the Kinect for XBox, the day is soon coming where a video game with manual controllers will be “like a baby’s toy”.
  • Weather forecasting continues to become very precise with the advancement of computer modelling and the relay of up-to-the minute weather forecasts to GPS-enabled mobile devices.

But Brown says he does not feel this is nearly enough to dismiss all that has been lost: “This is just a reminder that we all have a great responsibility when choosing our leaders. The wrong people were in charge for many years and they set back your progress by years, maybe even decades.”

When asked if there was some way we could go back and restore the timeline, Dr. Brown said, “Unfortunately, with the mechanics of time travel, if I were to go back in time and find what went wrong and fix it, the future would only change for me. You all are stuck here. But remember, your future isn’t written, nobody’s is. So make it a good one.”

November 14, 2010 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Newsweek.com Announces Surrender 12 Days After Newsweak.com Launched

New York (Newsweak.com Exclusive) — In a stunning announcement coming only 12 days after current affairs satire site Newsweak.com was launched, Newsweek.com will close down, directing all of its current traffic into less-unprofitable news site thedailybeast.com.

“The other guy blinked” said Newsweak.com Editor-in-Chief Buzz Scoop. “We were hoping to beat them in terms of traffic eventually, but for them to give up so soon is just shocking. We do, of course, take all the credit for this. They obviously saw us coming and decided not to take us on, see? It’s a good thing, too, because without the need for fact checkers, or facts for that matter, it certainly gives us an advantage in putting out the kind of stories people want to read. It’s a totally unfair advantage, I know.”

Newsweak.com officially launched on November 1, 2010 and although there are no statistics whatsoever that indicate anybody at Newsweek.com was even aware of Newsweak.com’s existence, it is likely they felt an ominous presence coming on the horizon. Meetings were held in New York throughout the first two weeks of November leading to the merger of Newsweek with The Daily Beast and the ultimate decision to shutter Newsweek.com in favor of The Daily Beast’s website.

Presumably the printed edition of Newsweek will live on, safe from competition by Newsweak. For now.

November 14, 2010 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Editor admits posting Lindsay Lohan stories “just to boost readership”

NEW YORK (Newsweak.com Exclusive) – A local editor of a mainstream media news website revealed today that he approved the inclusion of Lindsay Lohan stories on the front page of his website not because they were newsworthy, but because he knew it would increase readership.

“I couldn’t help it.” The editor revealed. “It’s just that she’s like catnip to a lot of our readers. They can’t look away, it’s what we in the news room call ‘news candy’. You can’t have just one.”

Lohan, whose early film career showed some promise — but has since done nothing creatively notable — has been under constant media scrutiny for years due to her off-screen antics including clubbing, drunken behavior, a high-profile lesbian relationship, rehab and court dates associated with alcohol and drug use, and jail time. The editor, who requested his name and the name of his site be kept anonymous, is the first editor to go on record admitting that Lohan is actually unremarkable except for internet viewers who cannot seem to stop reading about the troubled starlet.

“It totally goes against everything I learned as a journalist.” The editor remarked. “But the news industry is so competitive now that it’s hard to turn away from such linkbait. I think most of our readers would say they don’t read any stories about her, but my data shows that when we include a feature about Lindsay, the hits go up. Stories about her belong on TMZ or People, not on any reputable news site like ours. We’re basically just selling our souls now.”

The editor noted one particular series of stories he felt shame about posting. “Those stories that came out when Lindsay sued E*Trade over the baby commercial with the talking milkaholic baby named ‘Lindsay’. That was so obviously Lindsay being a complete attention whore and we in the media totally took it and ran with it.”

He said he wasn’t entirely certain why Lohan attracts so much attention. “Maybe it’s the void left behind from the Britney Spears train wreck. Britney faded pretty fast but she’s picked herself up and is doing well now and although Lindsay hasn’t accomplished as much as Britney has, it’s still the same ‘Cinderella’ story gone horribly wrong. Basically once Britney got better the public started watching Lindsay as the new sinking ship instead.”
“Yeah, a lot of people are pretty much douchebags that way.”
November 7, 2010 · Read full story · Comments { 1 }

Meg Whitman Involved in ‘Brewster’s Millions’ Inheritance Scheme

SACRAMENTO, Calif. (Newsweak.com Exclusive) – An anonymous source close to Meg Whitman’s political campaign revealed today that Whitman is involved in a secret inheritance scheme where she is required to spend a great deal of money in order to inherit an even bigger amount.

The scheme is apparently similar to that found in the 1985 Richard Pryor movie Brewster’s Millions, where Pryor’s character Monty Brewster is required to spend $30 million in 30 days in order to gain the real inheritance of $300 million. The catch of the plan was that he is not allowed to own any assets of value gained from spending the money, or to tell anybody about the rules of the inheritance.

“She had to spend all that money, it was part of the deal.” The source revealed, referring to Whitman’s failed bid for the California Governor’s race. “I mean, she spent 170 million bucks and has absolutely nothing to show for it. Nobody can do that without blowing it on purpose, right?”

The source further claims that Whitman’s dramatic rise and fall were all a perfectly choreographed series of events to lose as much money as possible without tipping anybody off to the real reason why somebody would make such dramatic blunders in the stretch drive of a winning campaign.

“It was first week of September and she was leading in all the polls and she freaked out. She said kept saying she needed to find a way to ‘cool things off’. Her aides explained that it’s perfectly natural to lead in the polls when spending that much money, but she wouldn’t hear of it. Her reaction didn’t make any sense… until now.”

The source says that it was about this time that the campaign inner circle decided to pay Whitman’s long-time housekeeper and nanny Nicky Santillan to out herself as an illegal worker in the country. “You wouldn’t announce yourself as an illegal alien unless you knew you had a lot of money to take with you back to your home country, and Meg must have paid Nicky a bundle. Of course, under the inheritance rules she could totally drop a few million to pay off the housekeeper because, again, she wouldn’t have anything to show for it.”

When asked about how it appeared that Whitman was taken aback by the revelation by the housekeeper, the source said “It was brilliant how Meg denied knowing anything about it but then had her people plant that letter with her husband’s writing on it. She’s like a master chess player, always several steps ahead of everybody.”

“And that thing last week where she fondly remembered how great things were 30 years ago, pretending not to realize that was when Jerry Brown was Governor?  That was great how she put the bait out and the Brown campaign totally fell for it, running those ads that seemed to totally bite Meg in the ass. It was like icing on the cake.”

When we tried posing some follow up questions about apparent flaws in logic about these revelations, the source advised that they could not reveal any more, that they had said too much already, that Whitman’s ‘drones are everywhere’ and then abruptly left.

November 3, 2010 · Read full story · Comments { 1 }
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