Tag Archives | elections 2010

Candidates stimulate economy with ridiculously expensive campaign spending

WASHINGTON (TheSkunk.org) — The $4 billion spent on the various Senate, House and state campaigns in the 2010 midterm elections have helped jumpstart the flailing U.S. economy, according to a report issued today by the Department of Commerce.

Read more at The Skunk.

November 5, 2010 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Christine O’Donnell Camp Considering Concession

WASHINGTON (Glossy News) – Only three days after election day, and a mere 9-weeks after her crusade for a senate seat lost its luster, Christine O’Donnell, who has cast her spell on many voters around the good state of Delaware, is now considering conceding her loss to left-wing, radical, pinko-extremist Chris Coons.

Read more at Glossy News.

November 5, 2010 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

American Public Gets Exactly What It Deserves For 112th Straight Election

WASHINGTON (The Onion) — Dismayed by the fact that over the past 24 months they have not experienced the immediate short-term personal gain they had hoped for, Americans went to the polls Tuesday and, for the 112th consecutive time, elected the candidates they deserve.

Read more at The Onion.

November 5, 2010 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Prop 19 fans surprised to have missed the election

CALIFORNIA (Chicago Dope) – Although a ballot initiative to legalize marijuana in California failed on Tuesday, thousands of its supporters were still trying to find their polling stations or figure out how to vote in the days following the election. The measure, known as Proposition 19, was rejected by 53.9 percent of the vote.

Read more at The Chicago Dope.

November 4, 2010 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Meg Whitman Involved in ‘Brewster’s Millions’ Inheritance Scheme

SACRAMENTO, Calif. (Newsweak.com Exclusive) – An anonymous source close to Meg Whitman’s political campaign revealed today that Whitman is involved in a secret inheritance scheme where she is required to spend a great deal of money in order to inherit an even bigger amount.

The scheme is apparently similar to that found in the 1985 Richard Pryor movie Brewster’s Millions, where Pryor’s character Monty Brewster is required to spend $30 million in 30 days in order to gain the real inheritance of $300 million. The catch of the plan was that he is not allowed to own any assets of value gained from spending the money, or to tell anybody about the rules of the inheritance.

“She had to spend all that money, it was part of the deal.” The source revealed, referring to Whitman’s failed bid for the California Governor’s race. “I mean, she spent 170 million bucks and has absolutely nothing to show for it. Nobody can do that without blowing it on purpose, right?”

The source further claims that Whitman’s dramatic rise and fall were all a perfectly choreographed series of events to lose as much money as possible without tipping anybody off to the real reason why somebody would make such dramatic blunders in the stretch drive of a winning campaign.

“It was first week of September and she was leading in all the polls and she freaked out. She said kept saying she needed to find a way to ‘cool things off’. Her aides explained that it’s perfectly natural to lead in the polls when spending that much money, but she wouldn’t hear of it. Her reaction didn’t make any sense… until now.”

The source says that it was about this time that the campaign inner circle decided to pay Whitman’s long-time housekeeper and nanny Nicky Santillan to out herself as an illegal worker in the country. “You wouldn’t announce yourself as an illegal alien unless you knew you had a lot of money to take with you back to your home country, and Meg must have paid Nicky a bundle. Of course, under the inheritance rules she could totally drop a few million to pay off the housekeeper because, again, she wouldn’t have anything to show for it.”

When asked about how it appeared that Whitman was taken aback by the revelation by the housekeeper, the source said “It was brilliant how Meg denied knowing anything about it but then had her people plant that letter with her husband’s writing on it. She’s like a master chess player, always several steps ahead of everybody.”

“And that thing last week where she fondly remembered how great things were 30 years ago, pretending not to realize that was when Jerry Brown was Governor?  That was great how she put the bait out and the Brown campaign totally fell for it, running those ads that seemed to totally bite Meg in the ass. It was like icing on the cake.”

When we tried posing some follow up questions about apparent flaws in logic about these revelations, the source advised that they could not reveal any more, that they had said too much already, that Whitman’s ‘drones are everywhere’ and then abruptly left.

November 3, 2010 · Read full story · Comments { 1 }

Americans Bravely Go To Polls Despite Threat Of Electing Congress

WASHINGTON (The Onion) – Despite the very real threat of electing the 112th Congress, millions of courageous Americans lined up at their polling places today and put their right to vote above the awful possibility of sending a politician to represent them in Washington.

Read more at The Onion.

November 2, 2010 · Read full story · Comments are closed

Report: Voter Fraud In Every State Even Before Voting Begins

CHICAGO (Weekly World News) – Every state is reporting massive voter fraud already for tomorrow’s midterm elections.

Election officials in every state are reporting increased voter fraud – both in the ballots already cast and with the voting machines that will be used tomorrow.

Read more at the Weekly World News.

November 1, 2010 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Christine O’Donnell Favors Separation of Speech and Thought

WILMINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – In a performance guaranteed to raise some eyebrows in Delaware and beyond, Tea Party candidate Christine O’Donnell said at a senatorial debate last night that she strongly supports “the separation of speech and thought.”

Read more at The Borowitz Report.

October 24, 2010 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }
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