Tag Archives | economy

CEO’s Marital Duties Outsourced To Mexican Groundskeeper

GROSSE POINTE, MI (The Onion) — As part of the ongoing trend toward replacing U.S. workers with foreign labor, the marital duties of United Carborundum CEO Howard Reinhardt have been outsourced to his Mexican groundskeeper, Jorge Escobedo.


September 7, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Labor Dept. Creates 20,000 New Hobbies For Nation’s Jobless

WASHINGTON, DC (The Onion) — “If we can’t get job legislation passed, the least we can do is provide these citizens with something to do during the workday,” Labor Secretary Hilda Solis said of the new federally recommended hobbies, which include Tuesday morning board game leagues, vintage computer-monitor collecting, and finding quick ways to streamline your cell phone contacts.

Read more at The Onion

July 24, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

111th Congress Declares Bankruptcy, Asks For A Bailout

WASHINGTON, DC (Glossy News) — The 111th Congress of what is supposedly the richest and most powerful country in the world, the United States of America, has declared bankruptcy.

Click here to read more at Glossy News

December 15, 2010 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Desperate Obama Announces White House Foreclosure

WASHINGTON, DC (Daily Fortnight) — It was announced today that The White House has undergone foreclosure, with President Obama relinquishing control to Republican House Leader John Boehner.

Read more at Daily Fortnight.

December 4, 2010 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Dems and GOP Compromise: Tax Cuts to Remain As-Is Permanently

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Newsweak Exclusive) — Compromise was reached today in the U.S. Senate, with Democrats and Republicans finally settling on renewing all of the original Bush tax cuts permanently, with no further tax relief added for the poor and middle class.

Despite the fact that the Democrats completely conceded their position to end the cuts, which only benefits the wealthiest U.S. citizens, the Obama administration hailed the compromise as a “…huge indication that despite our differences, Democrats and Republicans can work together towards the benefit of all Americans.”

When asked why it appears that the ‘compromise’ consists of the Republicans actually receiving everything they originally wanted and more, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) said, “We did our best to get the compromise that would serve all interests. This is the middle ground we found.” When it was pointed out that the ‘middle ground’ that was found was entirely on the opposition’s side, and so the statement he just made didn’t actually make any sense, Reid muttered something about ‘just not getting it’ and left the press conference.

Republican leaders were surprisingly low-key about what appears to be such an overwhelming victory for them. “I think we gave up too much,” said Republican Senator Lindsay Graham (R-S.C.), “I know it’s important to compromise, but I don’t think we served the people who voted for us very well today. It’s an indication that the much-trumpeted ‘bipartisanship’ that President Obama claims to want so much is just a bunch of empty rhetoric.”

A spokesperson for the progressive advocacy organization MoveOn.org, who campaigned for all the Bush tax cuts to end, stated, “You know, in a funny way much of what Senator Graham said is actually true.”

December 4, 2010 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Recently Homeless Given Right to Buy Park Benches

LONDON, England (Daily Fortnight) — The government has announced plans to allow people who have been recently made homeless to buy the park bench upon which they choose to reside, in a proposal echoing then Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher’s right to buy scheme of the 1980’s.

Read more at Daily Fortnight.

December 4, 2010 · Read full story · Comments { 1 }

‘Economy Improving,’ Insists Man In Charge of Improving Economy

WESTMINSTER, UK (Daily Fortnight) — The man in charge of improving Britain’s long-suffering economy today insisted that Britain’s long-suffering economy is improving.

Read more at Daily Fortnight.

November 30, 2010 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Retailers Rejoice As Black Friday Tramplings Up 22 Percent

NEW YORK, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – Retailers breathed a sigh of relief today as early Black Friday numbers indicated same-store tramplings were up 22 percent over last year.

Read more at SatireWire.com

November 26, 2010 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }
This site is in no way associated with Newsweek or Newsweek.com or any of its affiliated properties.