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Walmart Buys Exclusive Rights to Christmas, Axes Controversial “Jesus”

BENTONVILLE, Ark. (Glossy News) — In a sweeping move today Walmart has bought the entire rights to Christmas and all its accessories. With the exception of manger scenes, Walmart will be removing all of the religious aspects of the holiday as they have always proven to be poor sellers compared with action figures, cheap plastic toys and Barbie dolls.

Miley Cyrus Bongs Are A Hit This Christmas

NASHVILLE, Tenn. (Glossy News) — At issue has been how exactly to turn some bucks off the allegedly talented Cyrus, now that she is attaining adulthood. The Miley Bong comes with colorful stickers so each one can be personalized. And the Miley Bubble solution is included in the package, with refills available for a surprisingly affordable price.

Violence Against Mall Santas Escalates

MINNEAPOLIS/ST. PAUL (CAP News) – Consumer violence continued yesterday when the Santa Claus at the Mall of America was attacked by hundreds of children who broke through a plastic mistletoe-and-holly barrier.

Wikileaks: Santa Claus Is a ‘Conspiracy Perpetrated by Parents On Their Children, Aided By Multinationals’

NEW YORK (The Voice of Reason) — Santa Claus is a conspiracy perpetrated on children by their parents, Wikileaks is to claim later in the week, to coincide with the peak Christmas shopping rush.

Fighting big coal, environmental advocates urge kids to behave this Christmas season

PITTSBURGH, Penn. (The Chicago Dope) — Opponents of Mountaintop Removal Mining (MTR), the controversial industrial process often associated with Appalachian Mountain coal digging, have launched a public relations offensive urging kids around the world to behave themselves this Christmas season.

Beethoven Gets Picture on Bubblegum Card

NEW YORK (Newsweak.com Exclusive) — 183 years after his death, famed German composer and pianist Ludwig van Beethoven finally has his picture on a bubblegum card, garnering the respect of Lucy van Pelt of Minneapolis, Minn.

Ms. van Pelt has been unimpressed by Mr. Beethoven since 1965.

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December 7, 2010 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Xmas Watchdog Group Pans Musical Instrument Toys

BOSTON, Mass. (CAP News) — “We have conducted extensive testing of dozens of instruments and must recommend that consumers avoid them all,” said Consumers Rallying Against Products president Joshua Holmes. “We suggest parents sit their children down with a nice iPod or Nintendo DS instead.”

Retailers Rejoice As Black Friday Tramplings Up 22 Percent

NEW YORK, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – Retailers breathed a sigh of relief today as early Black Friday numbers indicated same-store tramplings were up 22 percent over last year.