Newsweak | Tag Archive

Tag Archives | children

4-Year-Old Gets Wasted on Rum Balls

YUMA, Az. (The Onion) — 4 year old Joey Curly became thoroughly plastered on rum balls last night, sneaking between 10 and 15 of them off the buffet table of the Sacred Heart church function.

Share|

December 15, 2010 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Report: U.S. Kids Get Majority of Antibiotics from McDonalds

WASHINGTON, DC (The Onion) — A Department of Health and Human Services report released today has revealed that McDonalds meat from antibiotic-injected livestock is now the primary source of antibiotics for U.S. children.

Share|

December 13, 2010 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }

Fighting big coal, environmental advocates urge kids to behave this Christmas season

PITTSBURGH, Penn. (The Chicago Dope) — Opponents of Mountaintop Removal Mining (MTR), the controversial industrial process often associated with Appalachian Mountain coal digging, have launched a public relations offensive urging kids around the world to behave themselves this Christmas season.

Ranked 25th In World In Math, U.S. Students Glad To “Be In Top 10″

VIENNA, AUSTRIA (SatireWire.com) – A key academic assessment released today ranked America’s high schoolers 25th in the world in math, a showing that pleased U.S. students who figure that at least keeps them in the top 1O.

Xmas Watchdog Group Pans Musical Instrument Toys

BOSTON, Mass. (CAP News) — “We have conducted extensive testing of dozens of instruments and must recommend that consumers avoid them all,” said Consumers Rallying Against Products president Joshua Holmes. “We suggest parents sit their children down with a nice iPod or Nintendo DS instead.”

Chicago High School Replaces Gym Equipment with Nintendo Wii Stations

CHICAGO, Ill. (GlossyNews.com) –- Chicago’s George Washington High School is the first in the nation to bring its gymnasium into the 21st century by replacing all of its gym equipment, including balls, bats, paddles and nets with two big-screen Nintendo Wii Stations.

Department Of Education Study Finds Teaching These Little Shits No Longer Worth It

WASHINGTON (The Onion) — The U.S. Department of Education released a comprehensive, nationwide evaluation of American schools Monday indicating that attempts to teach absolutely anything to these little shits is just a huge waste of everybody’s time.

Sexy Costumes Lead To Tween Prostitution Arrests

SALEM, Mass. (CAP) – Halloween festivities in Salem, Mass. were marred this weekend when police arrested more than a dozen 11- and 12-year-old girls, mistaking them for prostitutes.