YUMA, Az. (The Onion) — 4 year old Joey Curly became thoroughly plastered on rum balls last night, sneaking between 10 and 15 of them off the buffet table of the Sacred Heart church function.
WASHINGTON, DC (The Onion) — A Department of Health and Human Services report released today has revealed that McDonalds meat from antibiotic-injected livestock is now the primary source of antibiotics for U.S. children.
PITTSBURGH, Penn. (The Chicago Dope) — Opponents of Mountaintop Removal Mining (MTR), the controversial industrial process often associated with Appalachian Mountain coal digging, have launched a public relations offensive urging kids around the world to behave themselves this Christmas season.
Read more at The Chicago Dope.
VIENNA, AUSTRIA (SatireWire.com) – A key academic assessment released today ranked America’s high schoolers 25th in the world in math, a showing that pleased U.S. students who figure that at least keeps them in the top 1O.
Read more at SatireWire.
BOSTON, Mass. (CAP News) — “We have conducted extensive testing of dozens of instruments and must recommend that consumers avoid them all,” said Consumers Rallying Against Products president Joshua Holmes. “We suggest parents sit their children down with a nice iPod or Nintendo DS instead.”
Read more at CAP News.
CHICAGO, Ill. (GlossyNews.com) –- Chicago’s George Washington High School is the first in the nation to bring its gymnasium into the 21st century by replacing all of its gym equipment, including balls, bats, paddles and nets with two big-screen Nintendo Wii Stations.
Read more at Glossy News.
WASHINGTON (The Onion) — The U.S. Department of Education released a comprehensive, nationwide evaluation of American schools Monday indicating that attempts to teach absolutely anything to these little shits is just a huge waste of everybody’s time.
Read more at The Onion.
SALEM, Mass. (CAP) – Halloween festivities in Salem, Mass. were marred this weekend when police arrested more than a dozen 11- and 12-year-old girls, mistaking them for prostitutes.
Read more at CAP News.
- Teenage Boy Continues Search For Topless Sunbather On Google Earth September 12, 2011
- Conspiracy Theorists Deny 9-11 Anniversary September 11, 2011
- Dishes Wash Themselves September 9, 2011