WASHINGTON, DC (Newsweak.com Exclusive) — The Transportation Security Administration announced today that it has temporarily hired 8,000 colorectal surgeons to assist security personnel just in time for the busy Thankgiving holiday air travel period. The doctors will help conduct security screenings above and beyond the “pat down” searches of passengers who decline to undergo the full-body scans.
Janet Napolitano, the U.S. Secretary of Homeland Security, made the announcement: “We have heard the concerns of airline passengers and we have taken action. People want security but many do not want the pat downs by the TSA personnel. Now they will be able to refuse not only the full-body scan but the pat-down as well. These passengers will receive a Comprehensive Overall Professional Probe, or COPP. These COPPs will be conducted by the proctological doctors in a discreet, professional manner.”
The TSA announced this also coincides with their new campaign for Colon Cancer Awareness Month and invites those not planning to use air travel this season to visit their local airport anyways and volunteer to be COPPed.