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“He Tried To Bite Me” – Teenage Girl’s Horror As Date With Vampire Goes Wrong

“He Tried To Bite Me” – Teenage Girl’s Horror As Date With Vampire Goes Wrong

ALABAMA, U.S. (The Spoof) -- "I thought he would write poetry and say really deep things" she sobbed "but he wasn't like that at all. Then he got all fangy and tried to bite me in the neck. It wasn't romantic at all."

Teenage Boy Continues Search For Topless Sunbather On Google Earth

Teenage Boy Continues Search For Topless Sunbather On Google Earth

GLOUCESTER, UK (NewsBiscuit) — Fourteen year old Julian Hayes has been frustrated by his parents’ strict controls on the family computer, but has figured that somewhere on Google’s satellite photo-map must be a photo of a woman ‘lying in the sunshine with her breasts exposed for all to see.’

September 12, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }
Conspiracy Theorists Deny 9-11 Anniversary

Conspiracy Theorists Deny 9-11 Anniversary

NEW YORK, NY (The Daily Mash) – “…there’s no way they could have destroyed the World Trade Center, because there’s no World Trade Center in New York. If there is then show it to me.”

September 11, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }
Dishes Wash Themselves

Dishes Wash Themselves

PARTS UNKNOWN (The Leaky Wiki) — In an event that shocked the scientific community, a pile of unwashed, stinky dishes, just washed and dried themselves before dad came home from work.

September 9, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }
NFL To Fine Fans For Excessive Celebrations

NFL To Fine Fans For Excessive Celebrations

NEW YORK, NY (The Onion) — “Offending individuals engaged in elaborate rituals that involve props, choreographed dances, or leaving their feet will face stiff monetary penalties,”

September 7, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }
TSA Falsely Accuses Man Of Transporting Snake And Tortoises, Finds Instead Man’s Huge Genitals

TSA Falsely Accuses Man Of Transporting Snake And Tortoises, Finds Instead Man’s Huge Genitals

MIAMI, Florida (The Spoof) — To the question of whether he was concealing a package of any kind, the man replied, “That depends on what you mean by ‘package.’”

September 7, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }
CEO’s Marital Duties Outsourced To Mexican Groundskeeper

CEO’s Marital Duties Outsourced To Mexican Groundskeeper

GROSSE POINTE, MI (The Onion) — As part of the ongoing trend toward replacing U.S. workers with foreign labor, the marital duties of United Carborundum CEO Howard Reinhardt have been outsourced to his Mexican groundskeeper, Jorge Escobedo.

September 7, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }
Circus Train Wreck Not Funny, Investigators Emphasize

Circus Train Wreck Not Funny, Investigators Emphasize

ALTOONA, PA (The Onion) — Following the fiery derailment of a 56-car Ringling Bros. circus train Wednesday, hundreds of clowns, somersaulting acrobats, ringmasters on stilts, stampeding giraffes, and monkeys in colorful hats were seen fleeing the accident, which investigators stressed was a very serious matter and in no way funny.

September 1, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }
NFL To Replace Coin Toss With Rock, Paper, Scissors

NFL To Replace Coin Toss With Rock, Paper, Scissors

NEW YORK, NY (CAP News) – With the start of the 2011-12 NFL season bearing down comes word of yet another rule change that will affect the upcoming season. The venerable coin toss to determine possession will now be replaced with the more strategic Rock, Paper, Scissors.

September 1, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }
Zombies No Longer Required To Extend Arms Out In Front

Zombies No Longer Required To Extend Arms Out In Front

AMSTERDAM — In a reversal on a policy that dates back over 1300 years, Zombies are no longer required to lift and hold their arms outstretched in front of themselves.

September 1, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }
Computer Programmer’s Shame On Confessing To Never Having Seen ‘The Matrix’

Computer Programmer’s Shame On Confessing To Never Having Seen ‘The Matrix’

PARTS UKNOWN (NewsBiscuit) — The IT world was plunged into bitter recrimination last night after computer programmer James Renfield finally admitted that despite working in the industry for many years, he had actually never watched ‘The Matrix’ movie.

August 31, 2011 · Read full story · Comments { 0 }
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